minipost #1

There are times in life when everything else takes a back seat compared to what one is currently engaged in. This is not one of those times for me. As much as I love blogging, I haven't gotten around to making a most for several days now. So, instead letting my dear blog slowly die of neglect, I am going to use the age-old technique of mini-posting.

Keeping in tune with the accepted format of mini-posts, I write the following:

Part 1. Reason for inactivity:
Have been working(when not sleeping) on a website for a college-event with my dear friend Dave.

Part 2. Short Poem/Hastily taken photograph:
My life is in a ditch,
I know not what to do,
Female of dog is bitch,
Out of the back comes poo.

Part 3. Apologies for being inactive:
Sorry.

Part 4. Loving words to all readers:
Dears, Sweethearts, Honey, Sugar, Darlings... etc.

Part 5. Empty promise of future improvement:
I will be king of the world and you shall be my queen.

Do take note of the number in the title of the post. Yes, there will be more of these in days to come.
Cheers!

Independence...

I stepped out of my house early today morning (don't look at me like that, 11 AM is pretty early for me.) The sky was just the right shade of cloudy. A cool, wet breeze grazed past my skin. Music in my ears, a sparkle in my eyes, I thought today was a better day than most. It is then that I noticed that every single vehicle, from rusty old bicycles to swank new cars had at least two Tirangas (tri-coloured flag of India) affixed on them. All the shop fronts sported the three colours in front of the sternly closed shutters. Today was our 62nd Independence Day.

Hurray, I thought. I took a moment to remember the various flag-hoisting ceremonies that I have attended, the atmosphere full of desh-bhakti (patriotic) songs, the stiff salutes, the pride that flows through an Indian's veins as the freedom struggle is recounted in colourful detail. I watched as people with smiles walked with a renewed spring in their step, wishing each other a Happy Independence Day. Kids no higher than my waistline rushed past on bicycles, the tring-tring of their bells a testament of their joy (probably due to the sweets distributed at school.)

Although it's been 62 years, we Indians still proudly recall the struggles and sacrifices of those brave, brave freedom fighters. From Gandhi's innovative non-violent policies to the radical explosiveness of Bhagath Singh, from the silent sufferings of millions of resistant Indians to the courageous marching of Subhash Chandra Bose's army. What is more, most people I see on the street seem to share these feelings. Little paper flags pinned to their shirt-pockets indicate their patriotic spirit.

It is then that out of the corner of my eye, I notice an old woman squatting on the pavement. Her dirty Saree is in tatters, and she has no legs, and evidently no sons. Men and women pass by her; impervious to her outstretched hand, to her desperate pleadings, to her pitiable state. The children are dragged away firmly by their parents as they turn and stare at this anomaly in the universe. They all have small flags.

On the other side of the road, I spot a woman, her pallu (the loose end of her Saree) covering her head and a sizable part of her face. Her eyes are down on the road. She sees nothing but the brisk feet of her husband who walks in front of her. Yes, he has a flag on his pocket too.

A short distance away from them, an affluent(in wealth and girth) man steps out of his expensive car, right into a muddy puddle. The flag pinned to his pocket bobs up and down as his corpulent chest heaves in rage. He then proceeds to yell at his cowering driver while the smaller man tries in vain to apologize.

Just around the corner, I see another small flag. This one is not pinned onto a pocket proudly. Nor is it waving happily in a child's small hand. It is on the top of a pile of repugnant refuse. How fitting.

Are we really independent?

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Unrelated Update:

Got my very own Orbi-Glow™ today! Initially I wanted the 'Original Orange' one, but then I saw the 'Popular Pink' and couldn't resist. The fact that no other colours were in stock did not influence my decision in any manner.

After stringent testing (on myself, no animals were harmed), I have determined that Orbi-Glow™ has no compatibility issues with manically evil masterminds and has absolutely no side-effects (the expression you see is not caused by Orbi-Glow™, it is an inborn feature of the model himself.)

If you are an evil person who desperately needs to appear good, cheaply, Orbi-Glow™ is for you. Get yours today only at one of my favorite blogs: The Loony Bean.

P.S Did I mention that the other posts there are just as interesting and hilarious as, if not more than, this one?

Grand Unified Theory of Motivation

Motivation has been variously described as the driving force, the fire within and, when the describer is bored and possibly has nothing better to do than define vague terms, as “the internal condition that activates behavior and gives it direction; energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior.” Like my brothers in the hood might say, I have no beef with any of these definitions and I am certain that none of my beautiful readers have any cow's meat with them either. In fact, they serve nicely to set up the platform on which I can build my post today.

I am not going to expound on what motivation is or how to go about inculcating it in oneself and others. The purpose of this post then has to be to speculate and perhaps conclude about what motivates most, nay, all (Grand Unified, said I) people. It is pleasure. Yes, it is that plain, that simple, that commonplace, and that low. I am sure a lot of you are shaking your heads and considering swearing at me in the comments, but hold off a little longer while I blow away your beliefs and enforce mine with pure, undeniable logic or perhaps some literary hypnotism, or maybe a bit of both. Either-way, prepare to agree with me!

Let us consider the various things that supposedly motivate a huge number of people.

1.Materialistic possessions:

Includes money or things that can be bought with it and hoarded as one's property. There is no scope for an argument here, people do this for pleasure and only pleasure. Most people look down upon this motivational factor as base and even animalistic. I do not agree.

2.Power/Clout:

Why do people need power? (Very good John, but I was not talking about electricity.) What do they do when they obtain it? Why do they keep wanting more? Just like money, power is also an abundant source of pleasure. Thinly-veiled, the specter of pleasure smiles from behind the mask of power.

3.Fame/Glory:

To be known to a large number of people; to be doted on; to be followed, praised, lifted in the air, cheered for; to be criticized, talked about, and sometimes even hated; to see one's name or face in print or other media. Those of you who imagined these things while reading are sure to be feeling good, feeling pleasured. This is because fame and glory is nothing but another source of pleasure.

4.Magnanimity/Benevolence:

Acts of kindness, selflessness, charity; working for the greater good; doing what others want; helping the needy... etc. These acts are also carried out solely for pleasure. Take a moment and ask yourself, the last time you helped someone or sacrificed something so someone else could benefit, what did you feel? The answer has to be pleasure.

There might be difficulty accepting this Grand Unified Theory at first. If that is the case, then look closely at this text; yes, closely. Do not look elsewhere. You are beginning to believe. You are feeling better about agreeing with me. You are liking what I am telling you. You will make me the prime-beneficiary in your will. You will help me take over this world and crown myself King! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Looks like the 'well-spent' 10 bucks on Literary Hypnotism 101 were not so well-spent after all.

So now on to plan C. The difficulty to accept this theory is mostly due to the fact that most humans wish to believe that they are in certain ways superior to animals. I won't claim that they are not, I do not wish to be branded as an animalist (an advocate of the doctrine that people are just animals). However, I find that all motivational factors have their roots deeply buried in pleasure. Contradiction is evident here, but I have found a way out. (Yes, I understand your mental imagery of me as an eel. It's alright, no offense taken.)

According to me, pleasure is more human than animal. There was a time when humans openly embraced pleasure as something holy and divine. Unfortunately, most modern religions decided that this did not serve their purpose of rapid expansion and control and hence branded pleasure as a base and animal-like quality. This, I believe, is the reason that humans are in denial about their driving force and look for and invent alternate ones.

Do post your thoughts in the comments.
Pleasurably Yours,
Sandy

P.S: Yes, I am pretending that I have not been inactive for a week and that I am not at all sorry about it.

Immortality: The Ultimate Medicine.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

-Chuck Palahniuk

What a load of tosh! And that too from the guy who wrote Fight Club!

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying"

-Woody Allen

Now that's more like it!

Once in a while all of us (or at least those with a functioning brain) chance upon profound revelations. Some of the most common ones that almost everyone encounters are: (in increasing order of profoundness)

1. I am going to die.
2. Most people are driven by selfish interests.
3. Money is very powerful.
3. Everything I like reduces my lifespan.
4. The tooth-fairy and Santa are just fictional characters! (That has got to be the most brutal one.)

Now that most of you (again, those with functional metal faculties only) have more or less understood what I mean by revelation, I can proceed with sharing one of my rarer revelations. I had it today while I was wondering how to attain immortality. Why do I want to be immortal? For personal reasons! (You should really learn to keep your nose out of other people's businesses.)

Well, the revelation is this :

If everyone was immortal, the world would be a much better place.

Let me start with the most obvious chain of reasoning, viz. The good people(like Mother Teresa not Jenna Jameson.) living for ever. The nonstop supply of love, compassion, and all those cheesy values would surely benefit society somehow. No, you cannot disagree with this point.

Now to the more controversial part. If everyone was immortal, wouldn't violent people like Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, *cough*Bush*cough* be enabled to perpetuate their evil on the world for all eternity? Yes, but the catch is, if these guys were immortal, they would not seek quick and violent means to their noble ends.

Yes, Hitler's aim was noble. He wanted to evolve the human race by ensuring the unquestioned survival of the 'better' race. His means of attaining the ultimate goal of betterment of mankind was what made him a monster. I am sure all these evil men and women(oh yes, women can be evil too) had very noble goals.

I mean why would you want a lot of money quickly when you are immortal? Why would you steal? Why would you be violent when you have all eternity to achieve everything at your own pace? I mean we could allow power-hungry megalomaniacs to take turns being the 'King of the World'! (I would be the first candidate though, for coming up with the idea.)

We humans are widely regarded as parasites that consume the resources of our planet at an alarming rate. I am sure our nonchalant attitude towards protecting the environment would change if we knew that we would be around to pay the price for our callousness.

So now that immortality seems plausible to a certain extent,(and because I want to immortal at any cost) let's all harp its virtues so that the research in the direction is not hindered by useless ethical debates.

I am sure you have lots to say about this, feel free to utilize the comments to swear at me. :)

Hoping to be immortal in the near future,
Sandy

Leximoron

Disclaimer : The following post is not intended to offend a particular gender, ethnic or religious group, or nationality. I am a misanthrope and I hate everyone equally (except for you Paris Hilton, I hate you more!). The said post also contains some 'mature' language that certain adults (prudes) may find offensive and wish to restrict their children from enjoying. I apologize to those kids whose guardians suppress them in such a manner, perhaps I can make it up to them some other day.

As I recently became active in the blogosphere, I noticed that most of the blogspot-comment CAPTCHAs contained enough vowels to enable proper pronunciation. It made me think. If one can wrap one's mouth around a word, then certainly said one can use the aforementioned word during One's verbal interaction with Two. In fact, once One has defined the word, Three, Four and Five may also make use of The One Word to enrich their extensive vocabularies.
Hence, I decided to select some such words and give them meaning, give them life, so that they may go forth and multiply!

1. frokers:

slang; Used to describe certain Scottish males, who wear frocks called 'kilts' and blow on pipes (bagpipes u perverts!). Commonly suspected to have homosexual tendancies.

2. subar:

Sugar for dyslexics; comes in special unlabeled containers. "With subar, erevynoe can mkae coffee now!"

3. ovend:

Higher form of 'baked'; describes a condition of intoxication from marijuana (a.k.a weed), usually leading to sexual-intercourse with multiple persons(or animals in extreme cases) of all genders.

4. slychi:

adj. Cunning or deceitful to the extreme. Usually used in context with the theft of condoms during sexual intercourse. "Slychi people are the leading cause of unexpected pregnancies."

5. kloill:

Hair-grease assured to repel the opposite gender. Has been known to cause crinkling of nose, nausea and even death if vapors are inhaled in high doses. "Kloill: Loneliness Guaranteed!"

6. coder:

if(you.understand(this)==NULL)
      {you != coder;}
else
      {you = asexual_loser;}

7. sasmsess:

The superlative of mess. Usually caused by mixing 15-20 college kids, one king-size cake, and five kegs of beer. "Oh man! Dad is going to kill me for this sasmsess!"

8. dowdstly:

adv. Frowningly; with extreme contempt. "He looked at me dowdstly when I told him I like Savage Garden"

9. chintef:

A Chinese chef pretending to be French. "'Bonjour! Je m'appelle Bong, Chames Bong', said the chintef."

10. bibledi:

An illness caused by extended exposure to The Holy Bible. Symptoms: shrinking of genitals, nonexistent sex-life, and a secret attraction to young boys.

Did you like them? Any favorites?
Got any of your own? Let the comments flow!

Yours Verbally,
Sandy

The Virtue of Laziness

"Laziness is the habit of resting before you get tired."

So read I on a cool t-shirt which also had the pictorial representation of a reclining male, (fully clothed, you perverts!), so peaceful that he almost looked comatose.

According to me, laziness is a defining characteristic of man (equality of sexes be damned!). In fact, I positively believe that laziness is the one trait without which man cannot hope to progress. Cavemen started using the wheel because they were too lazy to walk. They started using fire as they were too lazy to chew uncooked food. They settled down because they were too lazy to look for new places to ravage.

Moving on to more modern times, the invention of progressively faster (and more comfortable) means-of-transport, microwaves, cellphones, television, computers(!) ...etc is a standing testimony to the incurable lethargy that has "plagued" our species since its very inception.

So, why does society look upon this clearly necessary quality as a disease? Were it not for lazy men (yes, yes.. and women), mankind (sorry, woman-kind is not a word) would never have moved beyond the stone-age. Yes, hard-work and dedication are useful to achieve short-term goals such as personal success, a regular paycheck, relief from hunger...etc. But in order to attain the truly meaningful long-term goals such as progress of the human race, laziness is the single most important driving force. Hence, I strongly implore all you self-righteous men and women to stop condemning people for being lazy. In fact, natural inertia should be encouraged and nurtured as a desirable virtue, and I being the laziest of all humans, should be crowned King!

Illusions of grandeur apart, we must all understand that our ultimate goal is laziness, we work hard and save up money for the sole purpose of being lazy in our final years. Everyone is lazy, some just hate to admit it.

I take this opportunity to personally congratulate each and every man, woman or child who has basked in the holy pursuit of procrastination. Be it for a minute or a millennium, laziness is our way of life.

Do leave comments, feel free to flame.
Yours Lethargically,
Sandy

Happy and Gay!

An unexpected development has brought me back to my blog yet again. The Indian judicial system is preparing to make it okay to be gay! (Not gay as in happy, gay as in homosexual.) Why am I celebrating? Well, even though I am currently straight, having the freedom to choose is certainly cool.

It is unexpected because India is a country of prudes. Arranged marriage is still the right kind here, and love is a sin. Sex is a topic that parents want schools to teach and school want parents to deal with. In the end, the child ends up learning more from porn than from anything else, and everybody is happy.

Hopefully, this will force the ruling generation to break out of their narrow view-zones and look beyond what their parents told them to see. Don't get me wrong, it's not their fault either, Indians are a country are submissive people. We proudly say that in 10,000 years of documented history, Indians have never even tried to invade another nation. Boy, is that something to be proud of! We take all the punishment, then hug our tormentors and integrate them into our 'diverse' culture. It has probably something to do with our genetics. Our Aryan ancestors clearly denied us dominant genes that they gave to Hitler and his minions.

While I am complaining about my motherland, let me also state that our education system is going to the dogs. Yes, the kids that our country churns out are considered so well educated because they have to do all the 'educating' themselves. Teaching is considered the last resort of the unemployed and most teachers cannot even speak or understand the English language properly (Yes, even when the medium of education is English). But then again, "Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the winds, the stronger the trees."

Don't get me wrong though, like 70% of my compatriots I am proud to be an Indian (Why? I cannot remember for the life of me.)