The Idiotic Villager The Idiotic Villager The Idiotic Villager

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Immortality: The Ultimate Medicine.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk
What a load of tosh! And that too from the guy who wrote Fight Club!

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying"
-Woody Allen
Now that's more like it!

Once in a while all of us (or at least those with a functioning brain) chance upon profound revelations. Some of the most common ones that almost everyone encounters are: (in increasing order of profoundness)

1. I am going to die.
2. Most people are driven by selfish interests.
3. Money is very powerful.
3. Everything I like reduces my lifespan.
4. The tooth-fairy and Santa are just fictional characters! (That has got to be the most brutal one.)

Now that most of you (again, those with functional metal faculties only) have more or less understood what I mean by revelation, I can proceed with sharing one of my rarer revelations. I had it today while I was wondering how to attain immortality. Why do I want to be immortal? For personal reasons! (You should really learn to keep your nose out of other people's businesses.)

Well, the revelation is this :

If everyone was immortal, the world would be a much better place.

Let me start with the most obvious chain of reasoning, viz. The good people(like Mother Teresa not Jenna Jameson.) living for ever. The nonstop supply of love, compassion, and all those cheesy values would surely benefit society somehow. No, you cannot disagree with this point.

Now to the more controversial part. If everyone was immortal, wouldn't violent people like Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, *cough*Bush*cough* be enabled to perpetuate their evil on the world for all eternity? Yes, but the catch is, if these guys were immortal, they would not seek quick and violent means to their noble ends.

Yes, Hitler's aim was noble. He wanted to evolve the human race by ensuring the unquestioned survival of the 'better' race. His means of attaining the ultimate goal of betterment of mankind was what made him a monster. I am sure all these evil men and women(oh yes, women can be evil too) had very noble goals.

I mean why would you want a lot of money quickly when you are immortal? Why would you steal? Why would you be violent when you have all eternity to achieve everything at your own pace? I mean we could allow power-hungry megalomaniacs to take turns being the 'King of the World'! (I would be the first candidate though, for coming up with the idea.)

We humans are widely regarded as parasites that consume the resources of our planet at an alarming rate. I am sure our nonchalant attitude towards protecting the environment would change if we knew that we would be around to pay the price for our callousness.

So now that immortality seems plausible to a certain extent,(and because I want to immortal at any cost) let's all harp its virtues so that the research in the direction is not hindered by useless ethical debates.

I am sure you have lots to say about this, feel free to utilize the comments to swear at me. :)

Hoping to be immortal in the near future,

Friday, July 24, 2009


Disclaimer : The following post is not intended to offend a particular gender, ethnic or religious group, or nationality. I am a misanthrope and I hate everyone equally (except for you Paris Hilton, I hate you more!). The said post also contains some 'mature' language that certain adults (prudes) may find offensive and wish to restrict their children from enjoying. I apologize to those kids whose guardians suppress them in such a manner, perhaps I can make it up to them some other day.

As I recently became active in the blogosphere, I noticed that most of the blogspot-comment CAPTCHAs contained enough vowels to enable proper pronunciation. It made me think. If one can wrap one's mouth around a word, then certainly said one can use the aforementioned word during One's verbal interaction with Two. In fact, once One has defined the word, Three, Four and Five may also make use of The One Word to enrich their extensive vocabularies.
Hence, I decided to select some such words and give them meaning, give them life, so that they may go forth and multiply!

1. frokers:
slang; Used to describe certain Scottish males, who wear frocks called 'kilts' and blow on pipes (bagpipes u perverts!). Commonly suspected to have homosexual tendancies.

2. subar:
Sugar for dyslexics; comes in special unlabeled containers. "With subar, erevynoe can mkae coffee now!"

3. ovend:
Higher form of 'baked'; describes a condition of intoxication from marijuana (a.k.a weed), usually leading to sexual-intercourse with multiple persons(or animals in extreme cases) of all genders.

4. slychi:
adj. Cunning or deceitful to the extreme. Usually used in context with the theft of condoms during sexual intercourse. "Slychi people are the leading cause of unexpected pregnancies."

5. kloill:
Hair-grease assured to repel the opposite gender. Has been known to cause crinkling of nose, nausea and even death if vapors are inhaled in high doses. "Kloill: Loneliness Guaranteed!"

6. coder:
{you != coder;}
{you = asexual_loser;}

7. sasmsess:
The superlative of mess. Usually caused by mixing 15-20 college kids, one king-size cake, and five kegs of beer. "Oh man! Dad is going to kill me for this sasmsess!"

8. dowdstly:
adv. Frowningly; with extreme contempt. "He looked at me dowdstly when I told him I like Savage Garden"

9. chintef:
A Chinese chef pretending to be French. "'Bonjour! Je m'appelle Bong, Chames Bong', said the chintef."

10. bibledi:
An illness caused by extended exposure to The Holy Bible. Symptoms: shrinking of genitals, nonexistent sex-life, and a secret attraction to young boys.

Did you like them? Any favorites?
Got any of your own? Let the comments flow!

Yours Verbally,

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Virtue of Laziness

"Laziness is the habit of resting before you get tired."

So read I on a cool t-shirt which also had the pictorial representation of a reclining male, (fully clothed, you perverts!), so peaceful that he almost looked comatose.

According to me, laziness is a defining characteristic of man (equality of sexes be damned!). In fact, I positively believe that laziness is the one trait without which man cannot hope to progress. Cavemen started using the wheel because they were too lazy to walk. They started using fire as they were too lazy to chew uncooked food. They settled down because they were too lazy to look for new places to ravage.

Moving on to more modern times, the invention of progressively faster (and more comfortable) means-of-transport, microwaves, cellphones, television, computers(!) ...etc is a standing testimony to the incurable lethargy that has "plagued" our species since its very inception.

So, why does society look upon this clearly necessary quality as a disease? Were it not for lazy men (yes, yes.. and women), mankind (sorry, woman-kind is not a word) would never have moved beyond the stone-age. Yes, hard-work and dedication are useful to achieve short-term goals such as personal success, a regular paycheck, relief from hunger...etc. But in order to attain the truly meaningful long-term goals such as progress of the human race, laziness is the single most important driving force. Hence, I strongly implore all you self-righteous men and women to stop condemning people for being lazy. In fact, natural inertia should be encouraged and nurtured as a desirable virtue, and I being the laziest of all humans, should be crowned King!

Illusions of grandeur apart, we must all understand that our ultimate goal is laziness, we work hard and save up money for the sole purpose of being lazy in our final years. Everyone is lazy, some just hate to admit it.

I take this opportunity to personally congratulate each and every man, woman or child who has basked in the holy pursuit of procrastination. Be it for a minute or a millennium, laziness is our way of life.

Do leave comments, feel free to flame.
Yours Lethargically,

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Happy and Gay!

An unexpected development has brought me back to my blog yet again. The Indian judicial system is preparing to make it okay to be gay! (Not gay as in happy, gay as in homosexual.) Why am I celebrating? Well, even though I am currently straight, having the freedom to choose is certainly cool.

It is unexpected because India is a country of prudes. Arranged marriage is still the right kind here, and love is a sin. Sex is a topic that parents want schools to teach and school want parents to deal with. In the end, the child ends up learning more from porn than from anything else, and everybody is happy.

Hopefully, this will force the ruling generation to break out of their narrow view-zones and look beyond what their parents told them to see. Don't get me wrong, it's not their fault either, Indians are a country are submissive people. We proudly say that in 10,000 years of documented history, Indians have never even tried to invade another nation. Boy, is that something to be proud of! We take all the punishment, then hug our tormentors and integrate them into our 'diverse' culture. It has probably something to do with our genetics. Our Aryan ancestors clearly denied us dominant genes that they gave to Hitler and his minions.

While I am complaining about my motherland, let me also state that our education system is going to the dogs. Yes, the kids that our country churns out are considered so well educated because they have to do all the 'educating' themselves. Teaching is considered the last resort of the unemployed and most teachers cannot even speak or understand the English language properly (Yes, even when the medium of education is English). But then again, "Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the winds, the stronger the trees."

Don't get me wrong though, like 70% of my compatriots I am proud to be an Indian (Why? I cannot remember for the life of me.)