The Idiotic Villager The Idiotic Villager The Idiotic Villager

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The purpose of all life.

We all know that the answer to life, the universe and everything is 42. Unfortunately, this does not help us in deriving any satisfactory conclusions. We humans, being self-aware creatures, are constantly (well, maybe not that constantly) assailed by the philosophical question, "why do I live?". In fact, unless a satisfactory answer to this question is provided, we usually find ourselves no different from the plankton in the ocean, merely drifting where the tide takes us.

Have I arrived at a satisfactory answer? Have I finally attained the ultimate enlightenment that will set me free? No, I have not. The reason for this I believe is that there is no such thing. Through simple logic we can all arrive at the conclusion that life, especially self-aware life is nothing but an un-planned accident in the utter chaos that is the universe. No, I will not accept the "Holy" bible or any other "Holy" book as proof to the contarary. As far as I am concerned, such books are simply works of fiction whose authors convieniently forgot to put in the disclaimer.

Now we come to the heart of the problem. If life has no purpose, why do we live? Why do we do the things we do? A vast majority of us struggle through life, constantly striving to attain better and better standards of living. Why? In the end, we are just going to die. Beyond that, there is nothing. At least, nothing from this world. So how do we inspire and motivate ourself, if not with promises of a non-existant afterlife? The answer is simple, we do it with what I like to call the "goal-screen".

Imagine that life is a road. A road that extends into infinity. We are all walking along that road unaware of when we will abruptly fall dead. So why do we walk at all? There is no destination on the road, so why run? This is where the goal-screen comes in. To ensure that I run on the road, I place a large screen in the distance. A screen that looks like a destination. It cuts off my vision of the eternity that I cannot comprehend and provides me with something tangible that I can reach. Hence, I run.

I don't know how much of this made sense, I apologize for the uncharacteristically large amount of non-sense in this post. This is more of an attempt to clear the clutter in own head than a proper blog post. Still, feel free to add to the mess.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

My ultimate weapon, Anger.

Anger is a beautiful emotion. I rank it second only to the ultimate pleasure experienced during an orgasm. Sometimes I even feel that a bout of anger is more pleasurable than an orgasm (at least the short male ones) because it lasts longer. Besides, one doesn't have to worry about creating a sticky mess (unless you tend to save old semen in glass jars and like to throw them around when angry; I know, yuck!)

I believe it is time we wiped the puke off the floor and pulled ourselves back to the central purpose of this post, anger. Well, it is not my intention to teach you how to control anger, rather, I am just going to ramble on about why anger is so awesome.

One reason is the sheer effect it has. The slow simmer that begins at the bottom of your belly, slowly rising up into your chest, getting warmer by the second until the burning inferno explodes in your head and the rush of adrenaline in your blood makes you feel invulnerable is surely a feeling one can get addicted to. The only problem with this is that most people forget to enjoy this feeling and tend to shoot kids with machine guns at school.

I on the other hand tend to close my eyes and savour the moment, the hot blood coursing through my veins lending strength of muscle and will to a generally weak and timid persona.

Okay, okay, enough about why I love getting angry more than having sex. Let me tell you why anger is the ultimate weapon. Anger is the ultimate weapon because I say it is.

Ah, I see that you don't trust me enough to accept it on my word. Well then, here's the real reason. Most people tend to loose control when angry. When this happens, they are extremely volatile and can me manipulated into a position of extreme disadvantage, regardless of whether it is a physical or verbal conflict, provided that you keep your head cool.

On the other hand, there are people who wish to avoid heated conflict and shy away from any hint of violence. These are the people one needs to get angry against. Get pissed, by all means, blow your top. But do remember to think clearly. This might be slightly difficult in the beginning, but eventually you will get there. Getting extremely angry and being able to think at the same time is a huge plus. This is because anger not only effects your muscles, but also your brain. I have noticed that when angry, the brain works at a much faster rate, like an over-clocked CPU.
Also, be on the lookout for signs of anger in your opponent. If you manage to get the opponent to become angry and loose control, switch immediately to the previously described cold-calculating mode.

With practice, you can hone your anger and summon as well as dismiss it at will. Like I said in one of my previous posts, the divine question, conflict is an unavoidable aspect of human life. Once you add anger to your arsenal, your chances of coming out on top are greatly increased.

Hope this helps :)
Yours Furiously,

Monday, August 24, 2009

minipost #1

There are times in life when everything else takes a back seat compared to what one is currently engaged in. This is not one of those times for me. As much as I love blogging, I haven't gotten around to making a most for several days now. So, instead letting my dear blog slowly die of neglect, I am going to use the age-old technique of mini-posting.

Keeping in tune with the accepted format of mini-posts, I write the following:

Part 1. Reason for inactivity:
Have been working(when not sleeping) on a website for a college-event with my dear friend Dave.

Part 2. Short Poem/Hastily taken photograph:
My life is in a ditch,
I know not what to do,
Female of dog is bitch,
Out of the back comes poo.

Part 3. Apologies for being inactive:

Part 4. Loving words to all readers:
Dears, Sweethearts, Honey, Sugar, Darlings... etc.

Part 5. Empty promise of future improvement:
I will be king of the world and you shall be my queen.

Do take note of the number in the title of the post. Yes, there will be more of these in days to come.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


I stepped out of my house early today morning (don't look at me like that, 11 AM is pretty early for me.) The sky was just the right shade of cloudy. A cool, wet breeze grazed past my skin. Music in my ears, a sparkle in my eyes, I thought today was a better day than most. It is then that I noticed that every single vehicle, from rusty old bicycles to swank new cars had at least two Tirangas (tri-coloured flag of India) affixed on them. All the shop fronts sported the three colours in front of the sternly closed shutters. Today was our 62nd Independence Day.

Hurray, I thought. I took a moment to remember the various flag-hoisting ceremonies that I have attended, the atmosphere full of desh-bhakti (patriotic) songs, the stiff salutes, the pride that flows through an Indian's veins as the freedom struggle is recounted in colourful detail. I watched as people with smiles walked with a renewed spring in their step, wishing each other a Happy Independence Day. Kids no higher than my waistline rushed past on bicycles, the tring-tring of their bells a testament of their joy (probably due to the sweets distributed at school.)

Although it's been 62 years, we Indians still proudly recall the struggles and sacrifices of those brave, brave freedom fighters. From Gandhi's innovative non-violent policies to the radical explosiveness of Bhagath Singh, from the silent sufferings of millions of resistant Indians to the courageous marching of Subhash Chandra Bose's army. What is more, most people I see on the street seem to share these feelings. Little paper flags pinned to their shirt-pockets indicate their patriotic spirit.

It is then that out of the corner of my eye, I notice an old woman squatting on the pavement. Her dirty Saree is in tatters, and she has no legs, and evidently no sons. Men and women pass by her; impervious to her outstretched hand, to her desperate pleadings, to her pitiable state. The children are dragged away firmly by their parents as they turn and stare at this anomaly in the universe. They all have small flags.

On the other side of the road, I spot a woman, her pallu (the loose end of her Saree) covering her head and a sizable part of her face. Her eyes are down on the road. She sees nothing but the brisk feet of her husband who walks in front of her. Yes, he has a flag on his pocket too.

A short distance away from them, an affluent(in wealth and girth) man steps out of his expensive car, right into a muddy puddle. The flag pinned to his pocket bobs up and down as his corpulent chest heaves in rage. He then proceeds to yell at his cowering driver while the smaller man tries in vain to apologize.

Just around the corner, I see another small flag. This one is not pinned onto a pocket proudly. Nor is it waving happily in a child's small hand. It is on the top of a pile of repugnant refuse. How fitting.

Are we really independent?

Unrelated Update:

Got my very own Orbi-Glow™ today! Initially I wanted the 'Original Orange' one, but then I saw the 'Popular Pink' and couldn't resist. The fact that no other colours were in stock did not influence my decision in any manner.

After stringent testing (on myself, no animals were harmed), I have determined that Orbi-Glow™ has no compatibility issues with manically evil masterminds and has absolutely no side-effects (the expression you see is not caused by Orbi-Glow™, it is an inborn feature of the model himself.)

If you are an evil person who desperately needs to appear good, cheaply, Orbi-Glow™ is for you. Get yours today only at one of my favorite blogs: The Loony Bean.

P.S Did I mention that the other posts there are just as interesting and hilarious as, if not more than, this one?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Grand Unified Theory of Motivation

Motivation has been variously described as the driving force, the fire within and, when the describer is bored and possibly has nothing better to do than define vague terms, as “the internal condition that activates behavior and gives it direction; energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior.” Like my brothers in the hood might say, I have no beef with any of these definitions and I am certain that none of my beautiful readers have any cow's meat with them either. In fact, they serve nicely to set up the platform on which I can build my post today.

I am not going to expound on what motivation is or how to go about inculcating it in oneself and others. The purpose of this post then has to be to speculate and perhaps conclude about what motivates most, nay, all (Grand Unified, said I) people. It is pleasure. Yes, it is that plain, that simple, that commonplace, and that low. I am sure a lot of you are shaking your heads and considering swearing at me in the comments, but hold off a little longer while I blow away your beliefs and enforce mine with pure, undeniable logic or perhaps some literary hypnotism, or maybe a bit of both. Either-way, prepare to agree with me!

Let us consider the various things that supposedly motivate a huge number of people.
1.Materialistic possessions:
Includes money or things that can be bought with it and hoarded as one's property. There is no scope for an argument here, people do this for pleasure and only pleasure. Most people look down upon this motivational factor as base and even animalistic. I do not agree.
Why do people need power? (Very good John, but I was not talking about electricity.) What do they do when they obtain it? Why do they keep wanting more? Just like money, power is also an abundant source of pleasure. Thinly-veiled, the specter of pleasure smiles from behind the mask of power.
To be known to a large number of people; to be doted on; to be followed, praised, lifted in the air, cheered for; to be criticized, talked about, and sometimes even hated; to see one's name or face in print or other media. Those of you who imagined these things while reading are sure to be feeling good, feeling pleasured. This is because fame and glory is nothing but another source of pleasure.
Acts of kindness, selflessness, charity; working for the greater good; doing what others want; helping the needy... etc. These acts are also carried out solely for pleasure. Take a moment and ask yourself, the last time you helped someone or sacrificed something so someone else could benefit, what did you feel? The answer has to be pleasure.
There might be difficulty accepting this Grand Unified Theory at first. If that is the case, then look closely at this text; yes, closely. Do not look elsewhere. You are beginning to believe. You are feeling better about agreeing with me. You are liking what I am telling you. You will make me the prime-beneficiary in your will. You will help me take over this world and crown myself King! Oh well, it was worth a shot. Looks like the 'well-spent' 10 bucks on Literary Hypnotism 101 were not so well-spent after all.

So now on to plan C. The difficulty to accept this theory is mostly due to the fact that most humans wish to believe that they are in certain ways superior to animals. I won't claim that they are not, I do not wish to be branded as an animalist (an advocate of the doctrine that people are just animals). However, I find that all motivational factors have their roots deeply buried in pleasure. Contradiction is evident here, but I have found a way out. (Yes, I understand your mental imagery of me as an eel. It's alright, no offense taken.)

According to me, pleasure is more human than animal. There was a time when humans openly embraced pleasure as something holy and divine. Unfortunately, most modern religions decided that this did not serve their purpose of rapid expansion and control and hence branded pleasure as a base and animal-like quality. This, I believe, is the reason that humans are in denial about their driving force and look for and invent alternate ones.

Do post your thoughts in the comments.
Pleasurably Yours,

P.S: Yes, I am pretending that I have not been inactive for a week and that I am not at all sorry about it.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Immortality: The Ultimate Medicine.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”
-Chuck Palahniuk
What a load of tosh! And that too from the guy who wrote Fight Club!

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying"
-Woody Allen
Now that's more like it!

Once in a while all of us (or at least those with a functioning brain) chance upon profound revelations. Some of the most common ones that almost everyone encounters are: (in increasing order of profoundness)

1. I am going to die.
2. Most people are driven by selfish interests.
3. Money is very powerful.
3. Everything I like reduces my lifespan.
4. The tooth-fairy and Santa are just fictional characters! (That has got to be the most brutal one.)

Now that most of you (again, those with functional metal faculties only) have more or less understood what I mean by revelation, I can proceed with sharing one of my rarer revelations. I had it today while I was wondering how to attain immortality. Why do I want to be immortal? For personal reasons! (You should really learn to keep your nose out of other people's businesses.)

Well, the revelation is this :

If everyone was immortal, the world would be a much better place.

Let me start with the most obvious chain of reasoning, viz. The good people(like Mother Teresa not Jenna Jameson.) living for ever. The nonstop supply of love, compassion, and all those cheesy values would surely benefit society somehow. No, you cannot disagree with this point.

Now to the more controversial part. If everyone was immortal, wouldn't violent people like Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, *cough*Bush*cough* be enabled to perpetuate their evil on the world for all eternity? Yes, but the catch is, if these guys were immortal, they would not seek quick and violent means to their noble ends.

Yes, Hitler's aim was noble. He wanted to evolve the human race by ensuring the unquestioned survival of the 'better' race. His means of attaining the ultimate goal of betterment of mankind was what made him a monster. I am sure all these evil men and women(oh yes, women can be evil too) had very noble goals.

I mean why would you want a lot of money quickly when you are immortal? Why would you steal? Why would you be violent when you have all eternity to achieve everything at your own pace? I mean we could allow power-hungry megalomaniacs to take turns being the 'King of the World'! (I would be the first candidate though, for coming up with the idea.)

We humans are widely regarded as parasites that consume the resources of our planet at an alarming rate. I am sure our nonchalant attitude towards protecting the environment would change if we knew that we would be around to pay the price for our callousness.

So now that immortality seems plausible to a certain extent,(and because I want to immortal at any cost) let's all harp its virtues so that the research in the direction is not hindered by useless ethical debates.

I am sure you have lots to say about this, feel free to utilize the comments to swear at me. :)

Hoping to be immortal in the near future,

Friday, July 24, 2009


Disclaimer : The following post is not intended to offend a particular gender, ethnic or religious group, or nationality. I am a misanthrope and I hate everyone equally (except for you Paris Hilton, I hate you more!). The said post also contains some 'mature' language that certain adults (prudes) may find offensive and wish to restrict their children from enjoying. I apologize to those kids whose guardians suppress them in such a manner, perhaps I can make it up to them some other day.

As I recently became active in the blogosphere, I noticed that most of the blogspot-comment CAPTCHAs contained enough vowels to enable proper pronunciation. It made me think. If one can wrap one's mouth around a word, then certainly said one can use the aforementioned word during One's verbal interaction with Two. In fact, once One has defined the word, Three, Four and Five may also make use of The One Word to enrich their extensive vocabularies.
Hence, I decided to select some such words and give them meaning, give them life, so that they may go forth and multiply!

1. frokers:
slang; Used to describe certain Scottish males, who wear frocks called 'kilts' and blow on pipes (bagpipes u perverts!). Commonly suspected to have homosexual tendancies.

2. subar:
Sugar for dyslexics; comes in special unlabeled containers. "With subar, erevynoe can mkae coffee now!"

3. ovend:
Higher form of 'baked'; describes a condition of intoxication from marijuana (a.k.a weed), usually leading to sexual-intercourse with multiple persons(or animals in extreme cases) of all genders.

4. slychi:
adj. Cunning or deceitful to the extreme. Usually used in context with the theft of condoms during sexual intercourse. "Slychi people are the leading cause of unexpected pregnancies."

5. kloill:
Hair-grease assured to repel the opposite gender. Has been known to cause crinkling of nose, nausea and even death if vapors are inhaled in high doses. "Kloill: Loneliness Guaranteed!"

6. coder:
{you != coder;}
{you = asexual_loser;}

7. sasmsess:
The superlative of mess. Usually caused by mixing 15-20 college kids, one king-size cake, and five kegs of beer. "Oh man! Dad is going to kill me for this sasmsess!"

8. dowdstly:
adv. Frowningly; with extreme contempt. "He looked at me dowdstly when I told him I like Savage Garden"

9. chintef:
A Chinese chef pretending to be French. "'Bonjour! Je m'appelle Bong, Chames Bong', said the chintef."

10. bibledi:
An illness caused by extended exposure to The Holy Bible. Symptoms: shrinking of genitals, nonexistent sex-life, and a secret attraction to young boys.

Did you like them? Any favorites?
Got any of your own? Let the comments flow!

Yours Verbally,

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Virtue of Laziness

"Laziness is the habit of resting before you get tired."

So read I on a cool t-shirt which also had the pictorial representation of a reclining male, (fully clothed, you perverts!), so peaceful that he almost looked comatose.

According to me, laziness is a defining characteristic of man (equality of sexes be damned!). In fact, I positively believe that laziness is the one trait without which man cannot hope to progress. Cavemen started using the wheel because they were too lazy to walk. They started using fire as they were too lazy to chew uncooked food. They settled down because they were too lazy to look for new places to ravage.

Moving on to more modern times, the invention of progressively faster (and more comfortable) means-of-transport, microwaves, cellphones, television, computers(!) ...etc is a standing testimony to the incurable lethargy that has "plagued" our species since its very inception.

So, why does society look upon this clearly necessary quality as a disease? Were it not for lazy men (yes, yes.. and women), mankind (sorry, woman-kind is not a word) would never have moved beyond the stone-age. Yes, hard-work and dedication are useful to achieve short-term goals such as personal success, a regular paycheck, relief from hunger...etc. But in order to attain the truly meaningful long-term goals such as progress of the human race, laziness is the single most important driving force. Hence, I strongly implore all you self-righteous men and women to stop condemning people for being lazy. In fact, natural inertia should be encouraged and nurtured as a desirable virtue, and I being the laziest of all humans, should be crowned King!

Illusions of grandeur apart, we must all understand that our ultimate goal is laziness, we work hard and save up money for the sole purpose of being lazy in our final years. Everyone is lazy, some just hate to admit it.

I take this opportunity to personally congratulate each and every man, woman or child who has basked in the holy pursuit of procrastination. Be it for a minute or a millennium, laziness is our way of life.

Do leave comments, feel free to flame.
Yours Lethargically,

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Happy and Gay!

An unexpected development has brought me back to my blog yet again. The Indian judicial system is preparing to make it okay to be gay! (Not gay as in happy, gay as in homosexual.) Why am I celebrating? Well, even though I am currently straight, having the freedom to choose is certainly cool.

It is unexpected because India is a country of prudes. Arranged marriage is still the right kind here, and love is a sin. Sex is a topic that parents want schools to teach and school want parents to deal with. In the end, the child ends up learning more from porn than from anything else, and everybody is happy.

Hopefully, this will force the ruling generation to break out of their narrow view-zones and look beyond what their parents told them to see. Don't get me wrong, it's not their fault either, Indians are a country are submissive people. We proudly say that in 10,000 years of documented history, Indians have never even tried to invade another nation. Boy, is that something to be proud of! We take all the punishment, then hug our tormentors and integrate them into our 'diverse' culture. It has probably something to do with our genetics. Our Aryan ancestors clearly denied us dominant genes that they gave to Hitler and his minions.

While I am complaining about my motherland, let me also state that our education system is going to the dogs. Yes, the kids that our country churns out are considered so well educated because they have to do all the 'educating' themselves. Teaching is considered the last resort of the unemployed and most teachers cannot even speak or understand the English language properly (Yes, even when the medium of education is English). But then again, "Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the winds, the stronger the trees."

Don't get me wrong though, like 70% of my compatriots I am proud to be an Indian (Why? I cannot remember for the life of me.)

Friday, June 19, 2009

I watch movies too!


All the conceptual, philosophical posts getting to you? Well, they are driving me nuts! When stuff gets repetitive, I watch a movie. I like sci-fi flicks, conspiracy thrillers, action blockbusters, and once in a while even the odd cheesy romantic movie.

This time though, I watched a movie that definitely falls into the action genre, but is sure to excite techno-buffs too. Released in Oct 2008 and directed by D.J. Caruso, the director of the popular TV series 'Smallville', it is none other than 'Eagle Eye'.

The plot centers around two strangers, Jerry and Rachel, who are thrown together by a mysterious phone call from a woman. They find themselves entagled in a huge terrorist operation with someone watching their every move.

The movie is action-packed with crispy gunshots, crunchy smashes, and immensly satisfying explosions. All of it is tightly weaved together by a kick-ass story that will have you on the edge of your seat till the credits roll.

So if you feel the itch for some destructive yet enjoyable entertainment, go rent 'Eagle Eye'!

Happy face-melting!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Divine Question

Yes, I am still alive.
I promised a few posts ago that I will dedicate a post to religion. Well, I'm not going to do that. All I will say is that Religion is a concept that some people need, some people want, and some people exploit. To each his own. Amen.
Now, the reason for my extended silence is life. No, I was not too busy. No, I was not pre-occupied (which means the same as busy, but sounds more impressive.) The truth is that I totally forgot I had a blog. There, I have said it, nobody reads it anyway!
Right, so now back to business. Today, I want to write about the concept of right and wrong. On the surface, the legal system of a country (a country being the biggest independent governing unit today) seems to define what a person may or may not do. But do we know all the laws in our constitution? Rather, do we need to know all the laws? The answer is no, we don't. So how do we know what we can and we shouldn't do? The term that suggests itself here is 'Social-Conformity'.
Yes, we are brought up in a society. Man is a social animal...blah blah... Society imbibes in us the concept of right and wrong through many agents. The most influential being parents, teachers, friends, relatives etc... basically, people that we come in contact with. The closer the contact, the more the influence.
Now, if our value-system (concept of right and wrong) was created totally based on these inputs alone, everything would have been perfect. No clashes of interests. But the biggest conflict today is not between right and wrong. Rather, it is between your right and my right.
In fact, every individual person seems to have their own unique concept of right and wrong, a custom-tailored value system. Conflict occurs when two people with incompatible value-systems interact. As a simple example, consider a person who loves classical music and another who happens to be a metal-head. Let us put them both in the same room with nothing to do and a nice stereo system with all the music in the world. We have a conflict. Who gets to choose the music? All the classical wusses out there would side with the classical wimp and all the metal-freaks will side with the metal-maniac.
Thus, when two incompatible value-systems clash, there is an argument, a fight, or even a war. The Americans clearly state this is all war-movies. There is always a scene with a senior officer (usually the first citizen) justifying the war with the exact words, "to protect our way of life."
At this point, we can all agree that everyone has their own value-system. But human life is full of interactions, and as each value-system is inherently unique, conflict is bound to occur. So how do we resolve such clashes? In animal or primitive human societies, conflict is resolved by a comparison of strength. 'Might is always right' was the rule. Sadly, this is true even in todays "evolved" human society.
When one is a child, the bigger (physical power) person is always right. When one grows up, the richer (monetary power) person seems to be always right. When it comes to a work-place, the boss (power to fire you) it always right. In a store, the customer (power of money) is always right. When it comes to bigger units, like countries, the country with the biggest nuke is always right. Hence, the 'might is right' rule still seems to be in force, which makes a pretty primitive species.
So, what should be considered right? The answer is 'power of numbers'. Yes, democracy. A value system that is compatible with a majority of people will generate the least number of conflicts. This is what social-conformity aims to achieve. The flaws in today's society are not with this concept, rather they are due to imperfect implementation. Many groups of people (eg. Teenagers) are inadequately represented or given less importance in the equation that supposedly yields the best value-system.
As a personal rule, I suggest the following:

"Do what you feel is right, as long as it doesn't conflict with the value-system of those who have power over you."

How do you know that some action conflicts with somebody's value system? It pisses them off! That's how.
I sure hope I have set some of you thinking. Do post your comments on what you think.